Practicing self-compassion and mental wellness (how to love yourself deeper)

Welcome back to another episode of small steps to self-love, the podcast! Today I'm interviewing Kate Toye, a self-compassion coach, on meditation, wellness and treating yourself with compassion.

Join us for a mindful conversation and walk away with tips to help improve your own self-compassion. 

Each episode covers a different mental health-related topic and has a "small step" or action for you to take on your self-love journey. Tune in for today's small step and let me know in the comments what your answer is to today's question!

Like this episode? Subscribe to the channel for more just like this, or listen to shelby's podcast here: https://smallstepstoselflove.buzzsprout.com/ 

ABOUT KATE TOYE, Guest:
Kate Toye is a self-compassion coach who weaves together mindfulness, wellness, somatic and intuitive coaching with self-compassion, Compassionate Inquiry and Internal Family Systems to support her clients in her private practice. Kate has a love of learning and continues to enroll in courses to grow her knowledge and the ability to support her clients. Her greatest teachers are her three kids. Self-compassion and compassionate inquiry have transformed who she is and how
she is with her kids, her partner, her parents and herself. Kate loves to share with anyone wanting to create stronger relationships with themselves and their loved ones.

www.katetoye.com
FB: katetoyeselfcompassion

ABOUT SHELBY:
Shelby is a mental health author, who has grown an audience of more than 500,000 on social media who resonate with her work. She is the author of 3 poetry books, including her latest release, girl made of glass and her bestselling book, changing with the tides. Shelby also runs an online poetry community, and helps authors market themselves and their books for more sales.

resources from shelby:

·        check out Shelby’s mental health poetry books

·        Free self-love poetry print

·        Join the poetry club

·        Get help with marketing as a writer

connect with shelby:

·        Instagram: @shelbyleighpoetry

·        YouTube: Shelby Leigh Poetry

·        TikTok: @shelbyleighpoetry

Transcript

Shelby: 
Hi everyone and welcome back to another episode of Small Steps to Self-Love. My name is Shelby Leigh. I am a mental health writer who is very passionate about self-love advocacy. And today I am joined by Kate Toye, who is a self-compassion coach who weaves together mindfulness, wellness, somatic and intuitive coaching with self-compassion, compassionate inquiry and internal family systems to support her clients. I'm really interested in learning more about the work you do and talking with you about self-love and self-compassion today. So thank you for being here. 

Kate:
Well, thank you so much, Shelby. I am so honored to be here, and I love any space that offers a bit of grace for people to come back and love on themselves a bit. 

Shelby:
Definitely. Definitely. That's what we're all about. I would love to just let you take it away and tell us a little bit more about you and the work that you do. 

Kate:
Great. Thank you. So I am a self-compassion coach, and what that means to me is as you shared, weaving all of those things together and walking alongside people really and reminding my clients. And I'm so fortunate. I get to work in workshops and I get to do presentations which I absolutely love. And just offering a bit of a pause really and just let's get curious about what's going on inside and let's get curious about maybe there's an internal dialogue here. How calm, comfortable does this dialogue feel? How familiar does this feel? And then the somatic part is let's connect with our bodies. And let's see where we might feel that in our bodies, because our brain has this amazing way of maybe, you know, it wasn't that big of a deal. Or maybe they didn't really mean it when they said xyz. Or it tells us this story that can feel so different than what we're feeling in our bodies. And so to give this shift into if we can honor our beautiful minds and all that they do and is it okay for our minds to just take a backseat for a minute and let's connect with, oh, I feel this tightness in my stomach. And how familiar does that tightness feel. Oh, I always feel this tightness when X, Y, Z. Okay, so it's not really about what's happening in front of us. If this feeling is so familiar. year. Right. That's so interesting. How did you get started in this work? Did you always, were you always passionate about self compassion and self love? Have you always been just wonderful about treating your own self with compassion? Or what does that journey look like for you? And how did you get into this work? It's a messy, nonlinear, bumpy, real human journey. I had a childhood that We all have a childhood and I started meditating around 11, 12 and meditation 100% saved my life. 100% I know I wouldn't be here if I hadn't found meditation and then 12 turned into 16, turned into other ways that you kind of abandon self and choose things that dull the pain, you know. Maybe make really the best decisions, but in hindsight, you're doing the best that you could with what you had. But at the time, I would say, I really love myself, like really. And, and I started backpacking and I remember my one of my, like, I met this wonderful friend and we're still friends. And she was from Glasgow and we met in Australia. And, Oh my god, if I had this person in my life forever, how different my life would have been. And it was like she could see, oh, she could see something in me that I couldn't see. And when I would share with her, you know, how horrible I was, she would be like, I don't know what you're talking about. Like, it's not that bad, man. And we had so much fun together. And I was been on this journey of exploration. And then this journey also is bumpy. And I remember at a time standing there and being like, Oh my God, I can't read another one of these books. Like I can read them out like I'm not getting what I need here. And, and still those bits like I don't like this that I do this or words coming out of my mouth and I don't like these words, but a part of me is really standing behind these words. And the other part is really, really who the hell are you to talk like this? So these are, and I remember like waking up the next day and being like, oh my God, what did you do? What did you say? What did you do? Who were you? All those things. And really kicking the crap out of myself a lot. 

Shelby:
Yeah. It's such an up and down journey for sure. Did you find so this person that you mentioned? Because I think there's a lot of talk around like you have to find this within yourself. You have to find self-love within yourself, which I agree to with to an extent, but other people can certainly help you see things about yourself that you maybe hadn't seen. Do you feel that way about this person that you mentioned earlier? 

Kate:
Yeah, and I don't know that I mean, I remember when her, I remember the curiosity at the time being like, oh my god, what does she see? And does she is what she sees in me. My son, I mean, and my kids just to bump ahead. If you ever want to know all of your stuff, have some kids. If you ever want to get triggered, if you ever want to know all your bits. And so that's been a whole nother journey. But my son, we were having this conversation about, you know, I've had some relationship in the past that were not healthy relationships at all. However, there was a part of me that felt really seen in that unhealthy relationship because this person was bringing forward all of those crappy thoughts I was having about myself. And it didn't feel good. The relationship didn't feel good. It never felt stable. It, you know, that part of me that connected with the girl who saw me, was struggling in this toxic relationship. However, a part of me, you know, this is what you deserve. Why did you ever think you could have anything better? If I hate, if I hate me, of course, I might be attracting somebody else who's gonna mirror that back to me. And so it was a really, he's 17, I don't know, we're having this talk. And I was like, maybe there's a part of it there that a part of you finally feels really seen. get into a relationship that's not healthy if you don't understand all your parts. 

Shelby:
Right. Interesting. Very interesting. Talk to me about the parts. You talk about getting curious about your parts. What does that mean and how can someone apply that in their own life? 

Kate:
Yeah. So I'll back it up a wee bit. I don't know that I really answered your question. And Gabor, one of my teachers, he really says, you know, we're harmed in relationships. So just going back and it's in relationship that we heal. So it's in relationship with ourself, it's in relationship with another, but it's in that connected place that we heal. And so I do really think that her name's Jackie and I just love her to bits that she, I tell her often and I don't know if she knows the impact that she made by just allowing herself to share what she saw in me and how profound that was for my journey. And so my part, so like I said, I've always been on this journey of understanding self and self love. I know I've taken detours and wrong turns and fallen off the road, but intentionally, intentionally really going deep. I found compassionate inquiry in 2019. And it's such a unique approach because it really connects the body with what are you feeling and kind of brings you all the way back to that. how old is that? And then, and then what's that like for a kid? Right? So then to really be present with that part of you that is still like a kid. And then, and then through there, I found internal family systems, which is all this beautiful understanding of parts work. So like, there's a part of me that could be a perfectionist. There's a part of me that could have anger. There's a part of me that could all of our parts. And then to weave it all together with self-compassion. So how do I get curious about my parts in a compassionate way? So instead of, you know, the part that is a perfectionist and maybe doesn't make it so nice for the others in your life, to really come alongside that part and be like, blaming or shunning or shut-uping or all of those things to that part, is it possible to just get curious about how that part might be trying to maybe keep you safe? Maybe that part's kept you safe in the past. Maybe the perfectionist part really does do really great things. Right? Maybe there's a part that when the perfectionist is doing something in a certain way, there's some kind of So not to let my perfectionist part run the show, but really just let's get curious about that part. And what if I let that part have some floor space to talk and tell me what it wants? 

Shelby:
Okay, interesting. So how would someone start figuring out their parts? 

Kate:
I shared this story before and I'd love to share it again. And it might be like, think, wow, that's a really bizarre story, is this woman okay? But for me, it just kind of captured parts so beautifully. So I get a lot when I'm in the shower, that seems to be my creative. I don't know if it's hot water, I don't know if it's, I'm alone, I don't know what it is. It's so beautiful, right? It's like the water is just allowing all of these ideas and creative things and fun things workshop that I wanted to create. And all of these pieces were just falling into place. And I was like, oh, yeah, then that can happen. And that can happen. It just, it was such a flow of the water, right? And I got out of the shower. And I swear, there was like a little girl in the bathroom. There wasn't a little girl in the bathroom. But I swear, there was a little girl in the bathroom. And I don't know if I spoke to her or I don't, but she was definitely I was aware of the presence of a little person and I was beaming about this workshop that was going to come through. And she said, yeah, we'll show them. And how I interpret it was we'll show them, which are very different. And I said, oh, no, that isn't what this work is about at all. We're not about showing anybody anything. And I really, really kind of, I mean, I'm not going to say anything. have shamed her. And she, and I really saw this, this like, her shoulder slumped and her head dropped. And she like turned away. And, and I don't know why, but I got curious. And I just said, I'm sorry, what did you mean? And she turned back around and she said, I tell this story often, and it always chokes me up. She said, I just meant that if we can heal, we can show them how to heal. Oh, and I said, oh my goodness, yes, yes. And, and that moment I had the realization, how many times does another part of me judge another part of me and shame it or blame it when it's not what it meant at all. Mm hmm. And when I said, yes, exactly this little part said. So can I stay. And I swear it was like she just came in. It's like, of course you can stay. That's beautiful. Wow. I write a lot of poems talking to my younger self and or my future self. But I feel like a lot of the poems I write are exploring the present mind and what I'm going through. And I think asking those types of questions to yourself, to your current self is really valuable and really important. So that's really a good tip. takeaway for this episode for sure. Thank you for sharing that story. Thank you. Yeah, of course. Yeah, I just I, I love the space of people understanding what's going on inside. Because I really, I really am honest. I really believe that the more we understand ourselves, the more compassionate we are. And then the more we want compassion for everybody else. Yeah. And I really think that's how we can create a 

Shelby:
Yeah, definitely. It has so many benefits. So how would you recommend someone start? I mean, this is a broad question, but just starting to be more compassionate to ourselves. What does that first small step look like? 

Kate:
I think a big awareness for people is to just take stock of how they're speaking to themselves. I remember it was like my head never stopped. It was like this chatter in my head, did you do this, do you do, you could have probably done that better. What if you think, what if they thought you meant this when you said that? Do you think that they meant this when you said this? Should you have said it that way? It was wild what was going on in there, right? And it probably wasn't 24 seven, but it probably was close. You said you were gonna do this and you didn't. going to all of the things. So I would just offer for people to just get curious what's going on in there. What does, is there an internal dialogue? Is there a talk in there? What does that talk sound like? Is it supportive? Is it critical? Is it judgmental? Is it shaming? Is it blaming? And to just be, just offer yourself a week of awareness, just a week of awareness of what's And then I would offer if you spoke to somebody else, the way your internal dialogue is going on, how keen do you think that person might be to hang out with you? And then the other side is if somebody on the outside of you was talking that way to you, how keen would you be to hang out with that person? And not to judge yourself for the talk, because 100% I'm sure that talk kept you safe or served you or did something for you at some time. but to just be curious about it. Right. And then come alongside yourself and just see what it would be like to be a little bit softer. 

Shelby:
Yeah, I love that. Do you recommend that people journal these types of questions or just think through them? Is there like a process you like that you do? 

Kate:
Yeah, I think if you journal, journal. I know a lot of people journaling isn't their thing and then they judge and blame themselves because they don't journal and they should be. I think you could feel where you feel it in your body. I think you could just be taking notes mentally. You could do anything that really feels right for you. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. Definitely. I want to go back really quick to the meditation piece. Because you mentioned that was like how you kind of got started with this work and feeling more self compassion. Do you still practice that often now? And what? would be like a beginner tip for someone who like me raising my hand over here, very much struggles to meditate and focus and clear my mind. Yeah, beautiful. Thank you because I do love meditation and I love sharing meditations and when I work with people. It's so great that these guided meditations come in, and then I get to send them these meditations on things that we work through in our sessions together. Cool. And I love that. And so what I would offer is not to judge yourself if your mind wanders. And that there's really, there's a couple of, I was just reading, I can't remember who, I can't remember who it was, but they so beautifully wrote how this connection of meditation is like an absolute silent mind. Really isn't the goal of meditation. And to just, if you can't. mind wanders, first I would get curious about where it's going to, because there might be an absolute gift in what it's trying to share with you. And if you find it's just like, oh, don't forget you got to do groceries and don't write if it's just that kind of shitter chatter, just let your let your mind know we'll come back. I'm not leaving you. You'll be able to take, you know, there'll be time for us to go through all of the to do's. But right now, I'm just coming Or if your breathing isn't something that's comfortable to connect with, because for some people that can be not a safe space either. Is it possible to just feel your sit bones on the chair. Is it possible to just feel the bottoms of your feet on the floor in this floor rising to support your food. Mm hmm. Does that feel like to be supported by this chair and how does it feel to have your feet supported. And I'm just going to bring awareness to the bottom. I'm just curious right now, what does it feel like for you to just bring awareness to the bottoms of your feet? I don't know how to describe it, I just I'm more conscious of the floor being there of the carpet on my feet. Yeah. I'm curious, has it taken you from here, from your head down to your feet? Yeah. Yeah, so meditation could be something that easy. Okay, interesting. Yeah, I always think of it as like you have to empty your mind almost and not think about anything and I'm like, I don't that. That doesn't sound possible. And it also offered your brain might go into total fear there. Like, what do you mean, empty me? I'm doing a good job here. Look at all the things that I do for you. Exactly. Yeah. 

Shelby:
No, I like that. I like that thought. I'm definitely going to practice that. Thank you. Yeah. Well, this was wonderful. Thank you so much for all of the guidance and the tips on practicing more self-compassion. I hope our listeners will take all of this away with them and try a little bit this week to be more compassionate. toward themselves. Where can people find you? I'd love to just close on where people can find you online or work with you. 

Kate:
Right. Thank you so much, Shelby. And thank you for this opportunity. And I do also hope your listeners take away some things to be more compassionate with themselves. My website is KateToye.com and you can find me on Facebook, Kate Toye Self-Compassion and also on Instagram, which I'm really never really on. I'm trying to tell myself that's something I could do and I'm working it but if you can find me there too as well, Kate Toye self-compassion. 

Shelby:
Perfect. I will link those in the description as well. Thank you so much for chatting with me today. This was lovely. Thank you so much. I'll be so lovely to spend time with you and I absolutely love what you're doing and gifting to the world. Thank you and I hope everyone listening has a wonderful week filled with self-compassion and self-love. Thank you.