10: self-love after trauma with női lélek

in today's episode, i interview poet női lélek about her self-love journey after experiencing assault. we talk about healing from that, finding love for yourself, reclaiming what is yours, speaking up, and so much more. it is a beautiful episode!

Content warnings: Please note that today's episode touches on topics of assault, eating disorders, self-harming and suicidal thoughts.

Please take care of yourself during and after today's episode.

each episode covers a different mental health-related topic and has a "small step" or action for you to take on your self-love journey. tune in for today's small step  and let me know in the comments what your answer is to today's question, if you feel comfortable sharing!

be sure to subscribe for more episodes like this! if you enjoy the podcast, leaving a rating and review is an incredible way to support the podcast and future episodes. thank you so much for listening! 

About our guest:
női lélek, has been writing for as long as she can remember. after a third failed suicide attempt in 2019, she discovered the power of poetry in healing from trauma and has written at least one poem every day since. Her debut collection, titled "all my favorite men are dead: a healing book of pain" is the first in a trilogy of books she intends to publish over the next 2 years that represent the different stages of healing she's encountered on her journey. She has also intentionally left every other page blank to invite readers into a process of co-creation, making her debut book just as much a collection of each reader's own healing journey as it is hers.

noilelek.com
Instagram.com/noilelek
Book: All My Favorite Men Are Dead

resources from shelby:

·        check out Shelby’s mental health poetry books

·        Free self-love poetry print

·        Join the poetry club

connect with shelby:

·        Instagram: @shelbyleighpoetry

·        YouTube: Shelby Leigh Poetry

·        TikTok: @shelbyleighpoetry

·        Twitter: @shelbyleighpoet

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Transcript

Shelby: 

Hi everyone. Welcome to small steps to self love. Today we have női lélek with us today as a guest who I met I think first through Instagram and I got to work with noi on providing feedback and edits to her book which is coming out very soon and she since joined the poetry club, so i've gotten to connect with her more there and she's an incredibly powerful writer writing about trauma and healing. And so I'm really excited for our conversation today. 

Please note if you are listening we will be talking about assault, not like a detailed way but it is something we're going to talk about so wanted to make everyone aware of that before we dive into this topic. But Noi I'd love to pass it over to you to just tell a little bit more about you your book anything else you want to share.

Noi:

Yeah thank you and honestly I'm like obsessed with the poetry club. I could hardly ever make it like live but I love that you provide it there so that people can come back and watch it on their own time. It's such a great resource for poets especially when you're just like lacking motivation yeah. 

So yeah so my pen name is női lélek as you just introduced. It is Hungarian I am half Hungarian on my dad side and the words themselves mean female soul. That was very meaningful to me because especially after my assault I grappled with this like hatred of being a woman especially in a patriarchal world and you know like even one of the poems that I have in my book kind of touches on that feeling that I had for almost a decade where I wrote I hate this word woman banish the thought I exist what more needs to be said? And you know it was like a very long time coming for me to sort of find a new love and a new appreciation for my femininity and the fact that I was born a woman in this world so yeah so that that pen name is very meaningful to me wow I love that I didn't know the back story behind that so thank you for sharing that's amazing and the poem you just read as well that stands out for me in your book there's so many great ones and it talks you know your book all of my favorite men are dead it talks a lot about the assault that you just mentioned in that trauma could you share whatever you're willing to share about the aftermath of that event in your life and how it had an effect on you and your mental health yeah so especially when it comes to just my experience with a soul it wasn't just one event it was within about a six month time. There was an instance with my high school cross country coach before I'd even graduated and then about six to seven months later my sisters ex-boyfriend and just so quickly especially after turning 18. It really did just feel like I like there was a target on my back it's like alright you're officially legal and now welcome to the world woman and it was it was such a struggle and that's when I really started I I had childishly loved being female up until that point like I had thought that I had so much power to control men into like oh like if you wear a certain thing then like there they'll do things for you and they'll buy you drinks and like all this other stuff and like it was very it was very childish and that you looking back on it and then realizing that it's such a false power. And feeling so powerless after that six month time period in my life and just hating how powerless I felt and yeah I specifically because I just didn't have a very strong you know foundation especially within my family units to fall back on of like love and support I definitely turned to more toxic ways of of dealing with it I had II struggled with a lot of self harming behaviors that cropped up is eating disorders and just other other self harming just scratching at my skin pulling out my hair and then I literally just ran away from everything.

I spent about three years traveling and on the surface it seemed like I was living the life but I I couldn't stay put in anyone place for very long 'cause I was just running from myself and I kept looking for a place in this world where I would wake up and I wouldn't be me and it and it took me years to realize that that was never gonna be the case.

Shelby:

That last part was very powerful thank you for sharing that and I'm sorry for what you've gone through. You're so strong, you're writing is incredible, I would love to hear a poem from your book and let the listeners hear how incredibly powerful your work is if you're willing to share.

Noi:

Yeah absolutely so the one of the poems that you especially liked it kind of speaks to that time in my life where I was staying silent and I wasn't speaking out and I wasn't sharing what had happened and I was pretending everything was OK and so yeah this speaks to that it's called the title of this poem is safer in silence.

I stayed silent because I knew I didn't have the strength to carry what my truth would require to withstand all of their higher. Them the bystanders the faceless voices in the crowd with no skin in the game. Metaphorically literally yet all too happy to shame any woman who dares to stand up and claim her own too real nightmares. In the light of day I stayed silent and every woman who knows forgives me I hope and every woman who comes after tries to do the same as they are forced to climb onto each other shoulders and shout what I could not even whisper. They're stronger because they have no other choice they must to survive and all I can be for the rest of their lives and mine is so deeply inexplicably sorry.

Shelby:

I love hearing you read that that was amazing and I think that's a great reminder for anyone keeping silent about anything in their life doesn't have to be specifically assault or your experience but I'm wondering how did you make the decision to stop being silent and start talking about the assault and even writing about the assault? Did that come first or how was that experience for you? 

Noi:

So it's actually really weird is that the writing actually came after I finally made the decision to speak up about what had happened at least in regards to with my cross country coach I became a substitute teacher after I graduated from college I just to make up some money so I can go travel and I kind of stayed away from substituting high school because I I was just so deeply afraid I remember I heard on I used to love watching Criminal Minds didn't we all just have like a fascination with the macabre but um there was this one episode where they're like oh if you're you know assaulted or you know anything like that in childhood you're more likely to also then do it and I was just so afraid that I was gonna become this person who would also take advantage of younger people and so I just stayed away from high school. And then one day it was like that was the only option available and I went on to the high school campus and it blew my mind. It's like they were kids like I when I was in high school I saw myself as like I'm practically an adult so when what happened happened I blamed myself. I thought it was my fault I had brought it on and then going back as an actual adult onto high school campus was like Oh my God and this man is still teaching and he could still be taking advantage of these children. And so that was the first time I went to the legal system in order to try to get things resolved and unfortunately it didn't have a happy ending and he didn't really suffer any consequences he lost his job at that school but he didn't lose his teaching credential and so he was able to simply just go to another school and yeah I got it that's it's silent it kind of just silence me even further up like oh I spoke up and I tried to finally do the right thing and try to keep other people safe and I got nothing from it like it's it's it's like it doesn't even matter so yeah I kind of I was like well then there's definitely no point in speaking up about what happened with my sisters ex-boyfriend because I mean the stakes are even less than I have even less proof evidence anything the legal system would require in order for there to be any kind of justice so the the poems actually started I I really suffered from suicidal ideations for many years after both events and the last time I attempted to take my own life it was January 20th 2019 and two nights later I couldn't sleep and I wrote a poem and I have been writing ever since. And I swear on everything I'm like poetry is keeping me alive.

Shelby:

I love that. I'm so glad poetry found you or you found poetry when you needed it most.

Noi:

Yeah I really feel like poetry found me genuinely that's what it felt like. I had never written a poem before in my life I hated poetry when I studied it in college 'cause I got a degree in English and then I think poetry comes to you in the moment when you feel so much that there's no other way to make sense of it other than poetry.

Shelby:

Yeah yeah I feel the same way. Wow so you talk in your book about losing yourself and I feel like you've kind of touched on this but do you feel like after talking about it, after opening up about it, writing about it, do you feel like you found the person you were before the assault or do you feel like you're a completely different person and you're OK with that? Walk me through that process a little bit.

Noi:

Yeah I feel like I have a lot of different poems that all kind of taken different perspective on this because I think at different points in my life I have felt differently about like the experience of losing myself after the assault 'cause that experience has remained constant 100% felt like there was this death of somebody that I loved deeply and I had no idea how to make sense of it and I feel like at least where I'm at right now the thing the way I would describe it is I 100% experienced after the assault a death of stealth and for the longest time it felt like I was carrying around this corpse and every now and then I would like you know put new clothes on it and try to parade it around as if it was alive introduce it to people and like you know maybe like try to talk for it. And look it was obviously not me but it was like trying to like trading around and be like no no this this is still me and it's still alive and and I think I finally have gone to the point where I I genuinely laid her to rest and I breathed her and i've taken the memories of my experiences with her and used those positive memories and the things that I loved most about her to form the person I am today. 

Shelby:

You mentioned a couple times like the loss of self-love so I’m curious with this being a self love podcast, had you kind of achieved self love before this happened? Were you very confident? Were you very you know had a lot of self love beforehand and did that kind of waiver afterward or had you always kind of been someone who saw your value all of that?

Noi:

So this is one thing I love so much about your podcast and this is like a perspective that I genuinely want to share in the hopes that maybe somebody who's listening will be like Oh my gosh I didn't even realize I'm doing the same thing I was obsessed with like self love quotes and everything from like the time that I was like 18 like I just like loved reading them and I'm like yes yes yes like on a head level I was completely in agreement with what they were saying. But they didn't penetrate to the heart level for me for the longest time and I was so in my head I didn't even realize it here I was agreeing with all this self love stuff but the way I talked to myself was still God you're so stupid how could you do that you're such a failure I can't believe anybody likes you. The nastiest meanest things were going on inside my head and it didn't even occur to me that I was you know preaching one thing of like oh this is what I love and giving my friends advice of like how they should treat themselves and not taking it for myself and I really at least for me I'm like Oh my gosh if there's one advice I could give anybody it's like tell yourself I love you every night before you go to bed, as if you're like your own mother talking to like you're like beloved daughter and like every morning when you wake up you like morning ask yourself how you're doing like just treat yourself like the best mom you ever wanted like literally be the best mom to yourself.

Shelby:

I love that advice and it's so true I I honestly didn't even really hear the term self love I feel like until the last few years. Maybe I was like living under a rock maybe like five years I guess whenever I got online and started posting about self love stuff without really realizing it um but yeah it's definitely a term that's thrown around a lot and something I feel like we can kind of say but we actually have to practice it and put in the work and it's something that I think we're all actively doing. I definitely don't claim to love myself 100% of the time that's why I did this podcast 'cause I'm like on this journey with everyone listening. So yeah definitely so you just gave some great advice about self love. What would you say to someone who is navigating the aftermath of assaults and healing from that?

Noi:

I would say please please please just don't be hard on yourself like the best thing you can do is just give yourself kindness and compassion because the the instinct or like the thing that you're gonna do without even thinking about it you're gonna shame yourself you're gonna guilt yourself you're gonna blame yourself you're gonna look for the ways and what I started to realize through therapy is taking on the blame and the guilt is actually a self protection mechanism of if I blame myself that means what happened was somehow in my control which means I can control whether or not it happens again so don't be hard on yourself when you're like noticing that you're blaming yourself or you're guilting yourself this is just like your mind is trying to protect you of like I need this to somehow be in my control so that way I can make sure it doesn't happen again like whatever you notice coming up even if you think it's negative just stop placing judgment and just like give yourself love just give yourself so much love just be like you know what you think it's your fault I don't care I love you you know what you don't think it's your fault because it wasn't absolutely wasn't but like I don't care I love you whatever you're thinking whatever you're feeling just constantly go back to it doesn't matter because I love you

Because I love you so much.

Shelby:

Is that what you just said something you feel like you really wanted to hear? Or something that you really worked on after or is this something that was more recent that you kind of discovered?

Noi: 

It's something I wish I would have done so much earlier on 'cause they think it wouldn't be exact opposite around for so many years any chest hate it myself it's like I hated myself because I thought I was at fault I hated myself because because then I had the thoughts that I was at fault so I'm like you're victim blaming yourself so then I judge myself for victim blaming myself which made me hate myself it was like this constant spiral just reasons why I didn't deserve to get myself love and it's like that was the exact opposite of what I needed and everything right well I'm glad you've realized that and we're able to share such beautiful advice of what you know you needed to hear most too because I feel like that will really resonate with a lot of listeners so thank you for that we would love to hear another poem from your book if you have any others you'd like to share with us yeah absolutely so I think list one can you speak to this idea of like reclaiming like your story your name your ability to like decide how you want to write the events of your life and I have a mixed relationship with this column and i'll get into it after I read it but end of the day I love it I love all my poems even though sometimes I go back and I'm like I no longer agree with that but I love it I wrote down at the moment it was my true exactly so this one is called a trauma legacy.

Remember Me mad Remember Me angry Remember Me a wildfire burning everything you love to the ground Remember Me 1000 feet down beneath your feet food for the worms it's still refusing to admit to fate Remember Me untamable unbroken unshakable remembering with chills sprinting up your spine Remember Me shrill a woman voice to the end a woman walk a womans body a woman's mind a woman's way of living and when it's up a woman time Remember Me unapologetic through it all Remember Me Remember Me i'll throw all memory of needs with wolves on the wind last to the waves even gone still brave still hungry still untamed and coward that you are unable to forget unwilling to remember be done with my name but it was always mine to claim 

Shelby:

Oh my goodness I'm snapping I'm snapping for that one hearing you read it Oh my goodness so powerful the strength in your voice is just phenomenal. Tell us a little bit about that poem about reclaiming your name and anything you wanna share.

Noi:

Yeah so something that I love about this poem it's it's reclaiming that anger 'cause I like I feel like I was mired in like the depression and the sadness and grief and the loss for so long that it really took me awhile at least to get to the point where I remember that I had a right to be angry at something completely unjust happened to me that arguably should not have happened a a just being able to express that anger felt so powerful for me in so many ways and I was speaking not only just to like obviously the men in my life who have completely taken advantage of my trust but just the patriarchy in general and just reclaiming like no Go ahead and Remember Me shrill because I have a woman voice and I have a woman's body and I have a woman way of living. I'm no longer going to be ashamed for any of that I'm no longer going to use that to be like and This is why I deserve what happened no I didn't just the fact that I happened to be a born a woman doesn't mean that I deserve to be treated any differently.

Shelby:

Amazing you have this one poem in your book that I mentioned to you before that makes me cry every time from the end of your book but if you're open to reading it I would love for our listeners to hear this piece and just be even more motivated to go get your book when it's out because it's beautiful.

Noi: 

Yeah I'm definitely open to reading it's the very last poem and I remember when we were when you were editing and giving me feedback and stuff before it got published 'cause you're an amazing editor, we're going back and forth on what should be the last one and I love that we both ended up in agreement that no this one is is beautiful and powerful so it's called me too.

it happened to me too

that thing you don’t speak about

and even though i don’t speak about it either

i just wanted you to know 

you’re not alone

i see the pain you never show

i’ve heard the screams that burn inside your throat

i taste the tears you cry at night

so even you can’t see

how much this world has broken you

and though it can’t possibly lighten your load

or take away the pain

i hope it helps

in some small way 

to know this world has also broken me 

and yet, somehow 

still

i continue to be

Shelby:

The tears are here again every time and it's just that last line I'm just like yes shout it to the universe. thank you for reading that one. Oh my goodness amazing to hear you read it.

Noi:

especially anybody who's dealt with suicidal ideations or attempts it's like I feel like those last three lines are just so powerful because it's like you don't have to have all the answers. I don't have to know how I still made it to this point all that matters is that they did absolutely still here yeah. 

Shelby:

this is such an amazing conversation thank you so much for being a guest and hiring me as your editor, it was so amazing to just see this book come to life and the fact that it's printed in front of me right now it's so amazing. I can't wait for it to be out so tell us where we can find you for those who wanna see your poems, get your book, all of the things.

Noi:

yeah absolutely so you can find my book on Amazon so you should be able to just type in all my favorite men are dead and find that and then my website noilelek.com so obviously that's super hard to pronounce for anybody who needs it spelled noilelek.com and then I'm on Instagram as noilelek spelled the exact same way.

Shelby: perfect thank you i'll have the links and everything in the description as well so people can find you a little bit easier thank you again for being here and being vulnerable and open and sharing amazing advice and reading amazing poems this was wonderful 

Noi: thank you so much for having me I loved it

Shelby (small step!):

this interview was so powerful in every episode I always yeah I put my listeners a small step to take within this week to practice and this week I love how we talked about reclaiming your name so I want to encourage everyone listening to write their own reclaiming poem. it doesn't have to be a poem it doesn't have to rhyme it can be a journal entry it can be it just a thought dump on the page. reclaim something that someone took from you or something that someone thought they took from you but it's been there all along think about that write it down journalist speak into your phone whatever you need to do to get it out and if you do it let me know how it feels in the comments or in a rating review or send me the I would love to hear from you because I think doing that is just so incredibly powerful and empowering.