Overcoming Self-Sabotage & Transforming Your Mindset

On this episode of Small Steps to Self-Love, mental health and self-love advocate Shelby Leigh sits down with Byron Morrison, a mindset coach and author. They delve into achieving goals, breaking them down into smaller steps, and the importance of self-compassion when faced with setbacks and challenges. Join us as we discuss the importance of self-love and recognizing self-doubt and mental blocks to make progress!

Byron Morrison is the author of ‘Maybe You Should Give Up - 7 ways to get out of your own way and take control of your life’

You can get his new book anywhere you can buy books.

www.byronmorrison.com

https://www.linkedin.com/in/authorbyronmorrison/

https://www.facebook.com/authorbyronmorrison

https://www.instagram.com/authorbyronmorrison

ABOUT SHELBY:
Shelby is a mental health author, who has grown an audience of more than 500,000 on social media who resonate with her work. She is the author of 3 poetry books, including her latest release, girl made of glass and her bestselling book, changing with the tides. Shelby also runs an online poetry community, and helps authors market themselves and their books for more sales.

resources from shelby:

·        check out Shelby’s mental health poetry books

·        Free self-love poetry print

·        Join the poetry club

·        Get help with marketing as a writer

connect with shelby:

·        Instagram: @shelbyleighpoetry

·        YouTube: Shelby Leigh Poetry

·        TikTok: @shelbyleighpoetry

Transcript

Shelby Leigh [00:00:00]:

Hi everyone. And welcome back to another episode of small steps to self-love. My name is Shelby author and mental health Raider. And I'm so excited today to be joined by Byron Morrison, who is also an author and a mindset coach. So thank you for being here today, Byron. I'm excited to chat with you. Um, I would love to just pass it off to you to get started and tell us a little bit more about you and what you do. Hey, so firstly, thanks for having me here. I'm really excited to be on the show today. So as you said, my name is Byron Morrison. I'm the author of the book, Maybe You should give up, 7 ways to get out of your own way and take control of your life.

Byron [00:00:33]:

And over the last nearly decade now, I've had the opportunity to work with everything from CEOs to entrepreneurs and business leaders in 15 different countries now, all with the focus on helping them get out of their own way so that they can break through to the next level of success. So I'm excited to be here and dive more into it and see how we can help the listeners actually take that next step in their life.

Shelby Leigh [00:00:54]:

Definitely. Definitely. It's all really interesting stuff. How did you get started with this work? What made you get into kind of the mental health aspects and the mindset type of stuff.

Byron [00:01:05]:

So for me at all actually began after my dad's cancer, uh, during his treatment, he had most of his bowel surgically removed and he spent 25 days in ICU. Most of that on life support and breathing through a tracheostomy. And luckily pulled through, which is something that I'm eternally grateful for. But that for me was a wake up call that I needed to change my life. At the time I was overweight, I was stuck in a job that was killing me. I was depressed to the point I didn't want to leave the house. And every day was just battle just to get through. So that really took me on this journey of transformation where along the way I learned everything I could about mindset, changing behaviors, psychology, nutrition, health, and everything in between. That went on to be the foundation of my first best-selling book. And I started a business then helping people from around the world really take control of their lives. And the more I dived into it, the more I saw that so many people have the right strategies, they know what they should be doing, but they're not following through. And it just really sparked this interest to me and the psychology and mindset behind why we do what we do. And over the last decade of becoming a student about that, working with people in so many different countries, that's really where I put my focus on because I found that was my superpower. There was also the area that I loved working in.

Shelby Leigh [00:02:14]:

Wow. Interesting. It's yeah, It's interesting to hear how you got started with it being such a difficult and kind of traumatic experience for you and your dad. And I'm so glad to hear that it ended up okay, but yeah, interesting. That's such a negative time. It was able to bring you into this thing that you're so passionate about and being able to help others with it too. So I'd love to hear more about how we get stuck in our own head and why this might happen for our listeners who might resonate with that. Yeah. So the thing that everyone listening to us needs to understand is if you go and look at how your brain's wired, it's been programmed in a way that it wants to survive.

Byron [00:02:52]:

Whereas all of your goals, your dreams, your aspirations, everything you want to accomplish, all of that is new, meaning it's an inherent risk to your current reality. And this is why when you want to put yourself out there, you want to go after something new, it's scary because your unconscious mind doesn't know what's going to happen. And this is why it'll fill your head with all of these doubts, these fears, what if it doesn't work out, because it wants to keep you safe. And this is why a lot of the time we know what we need to do, but we avoid it because we're worried, what if we fail? What if we're projected? What if we're not good enough? We have all of these mental blocks that are there to stop us from actually moving forward. And that's why you have to understand that your subconscious is actually working against you. But once you recognize that, that's when you can start seeing that all of that is just stories. You don't know the fact that you're gonna fail. You don't know that you're gonna get rejected. And even if you do, it's probably not the end of the world, like you're building up in your head, but we blow it up to be this huge catastrophe or to talk us out of going after the things we want. I find for a lot of the time, this is why we're our own worst enemy. But when we recognize that and we start actually looking at, okay, what do you need to do to move forward? And you start actually just having that patience with yourself to make progress. That's how you can start getting through it. Was there a specific moment for you where you noticed self doubt was particularly bad or like your mind sabotaging

Shelby Leigh [00:04:10]:

a certain aspect of your life where you first noticed it and really wanted to make that change?

Byron [00:04:16]:

Yeah. For me, it all started with my health, because after my dad's cancer, I wanted the first thing I wanted to focus on was getting in shape. I was overweight, I was uncomfortable in my body. And I knew what I needed to do. I knew I needed to eat healthier and exercise. I just couldn't understand why I would take 1 step forward and 2 steps back. I'd be really consistent with the gym for a couple of weeks, but then I would lose motivation. I'd be doing really well on a diet and going on an all-out binge. It was just so frustrating because I just was my own worst enemy in it. And that was really where I realized that, you know what, I need to figure out what's going on here. That was when I first started becoming interested in the mindset aspect of understanding why we do what we do. And it was only once I got out of my own head and turned it around and started looking at the general population, I started to see that actually this is a challenge that pretty much everyone faces in 1 way or another. We all have that tendency to procrastinate or to overthink or to avoid what we need to do. And it all goes back to that self-sabotaging mindset of why we're actually trapping ourselves in those mental stories, but just keep being the stumbling block in the way of our own success.

Shelby Leigh [00:05:20]:

Right. Okay, great. So how, and I'm sure it's not a simple answer and that's why you write about it and help people coach people through it, but how can we start to get this under control and control the self-sabotaging

Byron [00:05:34]:

that we all tend to do. For me, the biggest reason why most people don't achieve their goals is they focus too much on what they want, but they don't figure out who they need to become in order to make it happen. And this goes back to that subconscious programming of your current reality, your habits, your behaviors, your beliefs, what got you to where you are today, isn't going to get you to where you want to be tomorrow. And if anything, that's why you have that internal friction that prevents you from moving forward and stopping from changing. And this is why the first advice I give to anyone, if you want to actually break through to that next level, it's going to require a new level of you. And this is why you need to stop and think about, okay, what does the version of you who's achieved that goals look like, what are they doing every single day, what habits have they developed? What non-negotiables are they following through? Because when you figure that out, then you have to start pushing yourself to show up as that person in everything that you do, because that's how you can take willpower and discipline and all the motivation out of the equation. It's no longer about your current way of operating and what you feel like doing. It's in all of those moments, stop and asking yourself, what would the person I want to become do right now? Would they make excuses? Would they put it off? Would they push themselves to take action, even if they don't think about it? Even if they don't feel like it, When you start pushing yourself to show up as that person, that's how you're going to change the thoughts and stories in your head. And over time, you'll evolve and embody that new identity of who you want to become.

Shelby Leigh [00:06:56]:

Interesting. Interesting. So do you recommend that someone thinks about where they want to be, like in a certain timeframe, like a 5 year from now, future person or future version of you, or what does that look like for our listeners thinking this through? Yeah.

Byron [00:07:10]:

So the way I always advise is while it's great to have an idea of where you want to be 5 years or even a year from now. The problem with that is so much could change. You just don't know what's going to happen in 12 months. And this is why the way I always advise it is work on 90 day cycles. Because 90 days is far enough in the future that you can make a big impact in your life, but it's also a small enough period of time that you can figure out, okay, what needs to happen. 1 of my favorite exercises to do is just to take some time to close your eyes and just visualize what you want life to look like in 90 days. How do you want to look? How do you want to feel? What changes do you want to have made? Get that mental image in your head and then you can journal and write it down and be like, okay, this is what I want. This is what it needs to look like. And then you can start figuring out, okay, what would the version of me who's living that life have done to get there? And that's how you can reverse engineer the habits, behaviors, and changes you want to make. And also by focusing on 90 days, you can track it. You can know, okay, this is what I need to do for the next 7 days to move forward. You can then reflect on it and be like, did I make progress? What went right? What went wrong? What do I need to adapt and build on it piece by piece. So that's why I'm a big advocate of breaking it down. There's too many people when they focus where they want to be a year from now, it's overwhelming and they don't know where to begin. Whereas 90 days seems manageable and it's just slowing everything down to make progress.

Shelby Leigh [00:08:31]:

Yeah, absolutely. I completely agree. As soon as you said 90 days, I was like, Oh, I like let out a cyber of relief. Like 90 days is so much less intimidating than what I feel like we hear all the time is to think about this, like far off date in the future and that's how much time it takes to see change, but that's not true. It can be done in way less time. Um, so yeah, that's, that's far less intimidating and much more manageable to have a 90 day plan instead of years from now.

Byron [00:08:59]:

So I love that. Yeah. It's also stressful as well, because if you're thinking, oh, in the next 12 months, I want to do all of these things, like you put so much more pressure on yourself. But if you break something down, and you're like, okay, this is what I need to do in 90 days. With that in mind, what is the first steps I need to take for the next week? And then you just focus on those small steps and gradual progress because anyone can do something for a week. But when you're looking at like, I need to do this for the next year, all of a sudden, it's just like, oh, I don't want to do that. That sounds horrible. So it's like about balancing your big goals and desires with how do you actually support yourself along the way? How do you not put extra pressure on yourself and just focus on enjoying the journey? Um, yeah, that's on the big advocate. Yes. Have a big vision of what you want to achieve. That's amazing. But how do you then break that down into something that feels manageable?

Shelby Leigh [00:09:45]:

Right. Right. And it's so fitting for the title of this podcast, which is small steps to self-love that those baby steps are really what makes the biggest difference. Um, so relating to self-love, I mean, what sort of changes did you notice in yourself, your own view of yourself as you started thinking about how your mind was sabotaging you and moving past that and getting that under control. How did that change your perception of yourself?

Byron [00:10:11]:

The big thing that changed for me was my self-compassion because I find for myself and also so many of the people I work with, we're both our own biggest critics, but also not a big enough advocate for ourselves. And we really need to tip them the other direction because so often, while it's great to have big standards and expectations, that is also saying you're up for failure. Because a lot of the time that's self-imposed. And when you do always have these huge expectations that simply aren't going to be met. That's why any progress you do make, you feel like you haven't done enough, or you have a bad day and then you just stop beating yourself up and you're like, oh, I can't do this and you feel deflated. And this is why it's so important to recognize that you have to build yourself up because if you're constantly beating yourself down, you're never going to make progress. And that's where that self-love comes in of recognizing when you gave it your all and when you tried your best and accepting that while it may not be perfect, again, perfect is just some made up thing that you're putting into your head. It's not real. And when you can balance that, you can be like, you know what, I've shown up today, I've taken action. Even if it's something small, in the grand scheme of things, over time that compounds and builds up. So for me, the big thing was just getting out of my own head of focusing on where I wanted to get to and just pulling it into the present. Because as cheesy as it sounds, happiness doesn't come from the end result somewhere off in the future. Instead, it comes from the journey and the journey takes place in the present. And when you allow yourself to balance your big goals and aspirations with being like, you know what? I showed up today. I took action. I didn't get everything right, but I moved forward. That's when you can start actually accepting and loving yourself and just recognizing that you're doing a lot better than you give yourself credit for.

Shelby Leigh [00:11:53]:

Absolutely. Absolutely. Some great quotes in there. And I really resonate about the perfectionism piece. I feel like I am entering a phase where I am a lot lighter on myself. I'm not as being as hard on myself. I'm taking breaks that I did not take for years. And the mindset shift is wild. I mean, it's so beneficial, just even small steps like that. So I'm glad you brought that up about the journey. And I don't want to look back and regret all the times that I didn't take it easier on myself because it's so draining mentally on trying to have these perfect moments and accomplish all of this stuff in such a short period of time. So I think all of that is really, really important. When it comes to the type of people that you work with and the types of mindset, you know, work that you do, what are some of the more common problems that you're trying to help your clients with? So the most common ones are when people are getting stuck in their own head. So they've got a big goal of what they wanna achieve,

Byron [00:12:49]:

but they're just not taking action on it. Whether they're overthinking, they're procrastinating, they're doubting and second guessing themselves. It's really them sabotaging themselves and being the something blocking the way of their success. And this is something I see across the board from entrepreneurs to corporate professionals to CEOs running billion dollar businesses. You'd be amazed at how universal of a problem this is. But because we don't talk about it enough, a lot of people think they're alone in having these problems. They just then even reinforce that self-sabotaging cycle where they beat themselves up, being like they're a failure, whereas actually it's part of their wiring and human nature. And that's why it's all about going in and understanding, okay, why are you getting in your own head? What's stopping you from following through? And then giving someone the tools and strategies and mindset needed to actually take, make it happen. That's how we really help them get to that next level of success.

Shelby Leigh [00:13:40]:

Right. Yeah. It's so interesting. Cause I feel like, like you said, there's kind of a stigma around admitting that you're not feeling motivated or admitting that you're feeling like a failure, especially if you have already achieved some level of success as a CEO or something like that. So is that something that is tackled first? Do your clients often still feel embarrassed to even be talking about it or what drives them to a point where they do reach out to someone like a mindset coach.

Byron [00:14:09]:

For me, the big turning point is people recognizing that it's okay to speak to someone. I've lost count of how many application calls I've had where someone's got to the end of it. And they've just been like, I can't believe I just shared all that with you. Like I've never told anyone this. And you can just see the look on their face that a weight has been lifted off them. And this is why 1 thing that I'd love all of the listeners to take away from this is it's okay to talk to someone. A lot of the time we have this block where we feel like getting help and support makes us weak, whereas actually that's what makes you strong. And going back to the theme of your podcast, the small steps to self-love, maybe 1 thing that if you're struggling right now, you need to do is find someone to talk to. Like maybe that first step towards self-acceptance or taking control of your life is just accepting that, do you know what, maybe you're stuck right now. Maybe you're not feeling as good as you would like, and that's okay. It's part of the journey and It's what makes you human, but bottling it inside is just going to make things worse. So it's just opening yourself up and being like, okay, this is what I'm struggling with. This is the support I need and allowing yourself to get it.

Shelby Leigh [00:15:11]:

Absolutely. Absolutely. Talking about it is so life-changing and so impactful. So I love that you mentioned that I was going to ask, you know, I always ask my guests about a small step that our listeners can take this week, but I think you just hit the nail on the head with reaching out to someone and starting to talk about it. And even just admitting that you might be having this self-sabotage issue, um,

Byron [00:15:33]:

is a huge, huge thing. So that's great advice. Amazing. I do have 1 other small step that I think will actually benefit people a lot as well. Like some of the best advice I can give to anyone listening to us right now is if you're struggling to take action on your goals, you have to sit down and actually create a plan. Like this sounds really obvious, but you'd be amazed how many people I talk to who have this big vision of what they want, but they haven't taken the time to process and figure out what they need to do to make it happen. And this is why a lot of the time you get stuck in your own head, overthinking it and just procrastinating. And this is why it's so beneficial to sit down and be like, okay, this is what I want to achieve. What do I need to do to make it happen? And you can either reverse engineer it. You can work backwards and figure out the exact steps you need to take. Or if you don't know all the steps in between, you can at least figure out the first step. And then rather than overthinking and just getting caught up in the vision, which is 1 of the other big mistakes I see people making because they get so caught up in where they want to go, they just become paralyzed because it's too overwhelming. Just think of what is the first thing you need to do? What is that small step you need to take that's going to help you move forward? Because the thing is when you start taking action, that's how you build your confidence. It's how you build momentum and that's when change becomes possible. So perfect example is like, let's say someone, if I use a health example, someone wants to run a marathon, that sounds pretty daunting. Whereas if you reverse engineer that, the first thing could be need to go out for a jog. All of a sudden, instead of just having this huge endeavor in front of you, all you've got to do is go out for that short jog. It seems manageable. You do that, you build your endurance and then all of a sudden it becomes easier and you get the momentum. And it's the same as if you want to build a business, put out that first video, reach out to that first potential client, whatever is going on, break it down into the first step, do that, and then keep building on it piece by piece.

Shelby Leigh [00:17:23]:

Yeah, absolutely. Great advice. Do you, are you someone who writes these down and has your goals like somewhere, or is it something that's just, you run it through in your head, you have it all planned out? What does that look like for you? Or what does that look like for your clients usually?

Byron [00:17:38]:

I've got it all planned and mapped out. So the reason why I do that is I find 1 big pitfall a lot of people fall into is they get an idea of what they want, but then they just get pulled into the busyness of everyday life. It's like New Year's resolutioners. They get all motivated at the beginning of the year, and then they get busy and they forget. And then 3 months goes past and they have made no progress. And this is why with my clients and in the book, I'm myself, 1 piece of advice I always give is to revisit your goals every single day. Because if you start your day by reminding yourself, this is what I'm doing and why, suddenly it becomes so much more empowering. Because on the days that you don't want to get out of bed, where you're tired, where you're unmotivated, then your focus is, I just need to get through today. Whereas if you make your reasons to get out of bed bigger than your reasons not to, you remind yourself, this is what I'm trying to achieve. This is the life I'm trying to create. Then the scale tips in the other direction and it becomes so much easier to follow through. And not only that, when you get stressed and overwhelmed and life is weighing you down, a lot of the time you can start resenting what you're doing if you've lost sight of why you began in the first place. And this is why you need to regularly go back to be like, okay, why am I actually doing this? What is my purpose? The reason why I'm pushing forward and knowing that becomes so much easier than to deal with the setbacks and challenges along the way. Great, great advice.

Shelby Leigh [00:18:58]:

I think we've covered so much today about self-sabotage and mindset and gotten some great tips from you on what to take forward with us this week and next 90 days and moving forward. So thank you for everything that you've shared. Where can our listeners find you if they're interested in your work, interested in your book, Where should they go?

Byron [00:19:17]:

So maybe you should give up 7 ways to get out of your own way and take control of your life is available anywhere that you can get books. You can also find out more about me at ByronMorrison.com and I'm also on everything from LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok. Just search for author Byron Morrison and you'll be able to find me. Love it. I love it when authors say TikTok, because that's my faves.

Shelby Leigh [00:19:40]:

Wonderful. Thank you so much. Any final thoughts you wanted to share before we wrap up for today?

Byron [00:19:46]:

Yeah, just going back to the theme of the podcast, the advice I would give to everyone out there is just cut yourself a little bit of slack. Look, life has setbacks, it has challenges, but if you keep beating yourself up, you're never going to move forward. And this is why 1 of the central themes of the book and work that I do with clients is all about recognizing that you can't change the past. What's done is done and no amount of dwelling and beating yourself up is going to change it. But when you shift your focus to the present and what you need to do about it moving forward, That's how you can empower yourself. Because every time you've failed, you've made a mistake, you've done something wrong, all of that is just a stepping stone setting your thoughts next. But if you keep dwelling on it and being hard on yourself, you're never going to let it go and it's always going to weigh you down. So it's just recognizing, okay, yes, you've made mistakes, but just give yourself permission to pick yourself back up and focus on what you need to do to get back on track.

Shelby Leigh [00:20:38]:

Absolutely. Wonderful. Final advice. Thank you so much. This was wonderful. And I'll have Byron's links in the description as well for you to check him out. Thank you everyone and have a wonderful week filled with self love, compassion and kindness.